take a deep breath, hold it in--don't forget to hold your nose. jump into scalding water and we'll see what you really look like when you come out.

you'll be boiled down to the bone and we'll all scrape the marrow from the edges and whisper things like "have you lost weight?" into the side of your skull.


i woke up at 6 AM today, couldn't fall back to sleep. my hormones have been going crazy and i've been bleeding three weeks straight. i'm not concerned enough to go to a doctor, though. i think the world would go on just fine without me. out of all the people in the world, i'm probably very low on the overall importance list. but that's okay, because if i were half the people i know i wouldn't miss me very much either. so i forgive the world.


i have this montage of summer love stuck in my head and i can't get it out. first there'll be the girl who's perfect without even trying, and then there's the guy that is somehow the only one who really gets her, who really understands why she's louder when she's nervous and why she asks random questions and won't fall asleep before midnight. it's all magical and up in the air and self-discovery and music. the music of their hands touching, of the words they whisper in each other's ears under stars that are unrealistically bright. but of all the things in this story that are unrealistic, the stars are last on the list.


i am cliche and unoriginal because i wish so much not to be. i am dying because i am so desperate to be alive. i try to force myself to be beautiful and it makes me hard to look at. i try to be the most captivating person you've ever met and it makes me seem hollow.


i walk across the street where there is no cross-walk. it is the middle of the night, no one will care. there are no headlights on this road, no one is going anywhere. i chose this road specifically because it reminds me of my life. no one ever uses it--it's out of date, there's a faster free-way now that takes ten minutes off the drive. but there are flowers and trees growing along this road. it winds in beautiful ways against a hill that reaches perfectly for the sky. the lines in this road have been weathered by many wheels, it feels homey and familiar. this is the closest thing to a home i've ever had. and that's why i want to be buried on the top of that hill, like it says here in my pocket. that's why i chose here.


i can't wait to go home.